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Theodoric

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[20 Jan 2006|05:40pm]
From here on out, this journal is for friends, only. Please advise...
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Natural History IV [17 Jan 2006|11:35am]
Perhaps the most stimulating topic in the wider debate over prehistoric mysteries has to do with rodents. The good majority of the earliest mammals were rodent-like in general size and appearance, but not until the very late Paleocene are true rodents apparent. These are most likely derived ancestrally from the anagalids, a form of proto-rodent that also likely gave form to the lagomorphs, a group often mistaken for rodents which includes rabbits and hares. Today, the family rodentia is the single largest group of mammal species.

The greatest puzzle in the history of rodentia appeared in the Pleistocene, in the form of the giant beaver, Castoroides. Castoroides was not like beavers most of us have seen before - he was the size of a bear. Odd, to be sure, but not all that peculiar considering these were prehistoric times and there are many such examples of gigantic versions of modern animals. The problem arises when we consider the tale of the Lumberjack God of Endfield, Sasketchewan.

In 1922, a logging boss named Clelland Manby was traipsing about the woods near Endfield when he tripped over what he thought was a big rock. Closer inspection revealed that it was not a rock at all, but a huge skull! He consulted the local paleontology crew, who proceeded to uncover what appeared to be a complete skeleton of just the sort of giant beaver we discussed earlier. However, there was something odd about this skeleton in that it had indentations above the eye sockets much like a moose or elk, indicating that it may have bore antlers. To make matters stranger, there were two pairs of forelegs, in addition to the hind legs. A six legged, antlered Castoroides?

The Huctauw natives of the Endfield area have a legend about a twenty-foot-tall sort of "beaver overlord" who, supposedly, gave birth to all beavers. They call him the "Lumberjack God," and more than a few ancient Huctauw images portray him as having horns or antlers, and a few depict him with six or even eight legs. One terrifying image has the Lumberjack God with eight legs and goat horns, and shows him sitting patiently in a giant spider's web as a man writhes in terror beneath him! Could Clelland Manby have discovered the perfectly preserved remains of the Huctauw Lumberjack God?

Most leading paleontologists, both then and now, believe the skeleton to be a hoax planted by Huctauw elders to frighten loggers away from their sacred forest. I, myself, believe that to be utterly ridiculous, and think that a lot of these "scientists" are either a) complete fucking morons, or b) lackeys for the CIA. I find the latter to be the more likely, since it's a well-documented fact that the CIA stole the skeleton and is currently hiding it in a hangar at Area 51. I have a photocopied pamphlet that proves it. I'll show it to you!

THE END
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Natural History III [11 Jan 2006|01:09pm]
There is a provocative film making the rounds in video stores across the nation titled "Pterodactyl." Starring MTV Music Video Award-winning actor Coolio (Dangerous Minds, Phat Beach), this picture addresses two issues perpetually at the forefront of salon and symposium discussions throughout the world: Are pterosaurs truly extinct, as left-leaning pseudo-science rags Smithsonian Magazine and National Geographic would have us believe, and, if not, are they breeding prodigiously in a volcano somewhere along the Turkish-Armenian border?

I intend to illustrate a few glaring errors made by the filmmakers, and perhaps educate the reader on the truth behind what have been called (in the film) "giant birds."

Fact One: The film was called "Pterodactyl," yet not one single pterodactyl was ever seen. What were those things, then, that flew around and sqawked and caused general disorder? Why, they were pteranodons! Pterodactyls (though that word is used quite commonly now to describe ALL pterosaurs) were slightly smaller, and lived in the late Triassic to Jurassic periods. Pteranodons lived in the Cretaceous period, the twilight years of the dinosaurs. Also, pteranodons bear the bony crest so evident on the creatures in the film.

Fact Two: Pterosaurs would NOT hunt land animals like humans. These were animals that lived near water and whose diet consisted mainly of fish. Pteranodons had NO teeth, in fact, and other pterosaurs, if they had any teeth at all, had only very small ones. These were not animals who would engage in predation on the scale that is depicted in the film.

Fact Three: Pterosaur eggs do NOT spontaneouly generate, nor can pterosaurs reach full adult size in a matter of a few hours. Once an animal has become extinct, it is highly unlikely that even something as cataclysmic as a volcanis eruption would cause new eggs to appear for no apparent reason. It is also improbable that any animal as complex as a pterosaur would reach physical maturity within one day.

Fact Four: As far as I can determine, there is no helmet being produced at the present time that can enable the wearer to telepathically control the direction of missiles and/or rockets.

Fact Five: As we were never treated to a scene of Muppet Girl's guts coming out (nor of any limb loss), we can assume she is still alive. All characters who perished due to pteranodons were seen clearly with their guts spilling out or their bodies being rent apart. All we saw in the case of Muppet Girl was her being carted off to the eyrie. Now, we also saw this in the case of Bulldog, who was later rescued, her bodacious bod perfectly intact. The question remains: What became of Muppet Girl? Was SHE the mysterious Tyrannosaur at the end of the film?

I guess the last one really wasn't a fact...
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Natural History II [09 Jan 2006|06:02pm]
Most educated peoples are familiar with that shaggy, lumbering ancestor of the modern elephant, the Woolly Mammoth. However, he was only one member of a large family of prehistoric proboscideans that included the slightly smaller group of animals known as mastodons, as well as the diminutive race of poison-skinned South American protocloids.

There were also many other species of mammoth. One such creature was the Imperial Mammoth, the largest land mammal that ever lived. Another was the Columbian Mammoth, whom many paleontologists believe is the closest relative of both modern elephant species. And there is also the mighty North American Steppe Mammoth, a brilliant beast who had a penchant for bipedalism. Three distinct creatures... or were they?

It is evident from fossil records that all mammoth species descended from the Southern Mammoth, commonly known as the Billy Mammoth in its day, who evolved in central Eurasia and spread to what is now North and South America sometime in the early millennia of the last great Ice Age. From old Billy sprang the Woolly, Steppe, Imperial, and Columbian mammoths, as well as the Dwarf Mammoth, who figures little here. It is easy to discern between the first four and the last, who was quite little. Similarly, we can draw distinct lines between the Woolly Mammoth and his three cousins. This is where we enter what we will heretofore refer to as a "Gray Area," or "Grey Area."

It is clear that the Steppe Mammoth evolved earlier than both the Imperial and Columbian mammoths. It is also clear that the Steppe Mammoth was a direct descendant of our old friend Billy. What cannot be determined for certain is whether the Imperial and Columbian mammoths evolved parallel to the Steppe Mammoth, or whether it is he who is their direct ancestor. We know that all three species coexisted for many millennia, but of course it is not reasonable to assume that all Steppe Mammoths would have to be extinct by the time a new, clearly defined species arose out of their gene pool. Yet still, the likelihood of the Steppe Mammoth being the genetic father of these two mammoth types is quite small.

So, let us assume that all three developed from one common ancestor, our mutual friend and benefactor, William Mammoth. The similarities between fossil remains of all three species is profound - so much so, in fact, that many leading mammoth experts wonder why the three were ever classified separately to begin with. Skull shape, size, and density. Average tusk length. Average weight, height, fitness level, and after-tax income. All strikingly similar. In truth, it is only the theoretical issues of fur coloration, coat thickness, vocal ability, and overall personality that distinguish the three species from each other. Why, then, if all three were actually one single animal, should the Imperial Mammoth alone enjoy the distinctive honor of being "largest land mammal ever?" Should not that title belong to the North American Steppe Mammoth, of which the Imperial Mammoth is clearly an example?

The answer, always and again, is mere politics. Unfortunately, we know little of the politics of the nineteenth century, when many of these animals were classified. It is a century long-forgotten, an era misplaced in the ebon folds of time. We will never, ever know why three mammoths, who are all clearly the same, are to be forever believed to be different.
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Natural History [09 Jan 2006|03:31pm]
The final and most impressive battle between man and the bears was fought some ten thousand years ago in the mountains of what is now Yugoslavia. It is supposed that at least twenty bears were involved in the fighting, and as many as forty or fifty men. Remains found at the scene tell that there were heavy human casualties, although we cannot be certain of the total amount (assuming that some who were wounded died later from their injuries). The struggle between man and beast was very real and very potent in those days, and as much as it seems unbelievable to us, we must consider the facts. Modern man was not the low-born victim Homo Erectus was, leading a miserable existence as bear fodder. Nor was he the tactically retarded Neandertalensis, whose disastrous wars against Ursine hegemony all but annihilated whatever chance he had at replacing bear superiority with his own. No, Homo Sapiens Sapiens was both physically and mentally capable of ensuring his supremacy in Europe, and the bears were all that blocked his destined path.

Now we hear tell of a resurgence in the grizzly population in northwestern Canada, Alaska, and eastern Siberia. No small matter this. The spirit of vengeance does not sleep easy.
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John n' Morgan (featuring guest appearance by Boy) [14 Dec 2005|05:55pm]
It is a snowy winter's evening. John, proprieter of Kenmore Komics, and Morgan, resident genius of the Bargain Basement, are sitting down to a meal at the Kenmore Koffee Shop. Boy is minding Kenmore Komics.

Morgan - So, you must like comics, eh, John?

John - No... I just happen to OWN a comic shop.

Morgan - Heh, yeah, dude, I know. So, what's your favorite superhero?

John - Excuse me?

Morgan - Your favorite superhero?

John - No, I wasn't joking. I really don't like comics.

Morgan - Oh. But you must know a lot about them, right? I mean, being the owner of a--

John - Nope.

Morgan - Huh. Yeah, man, I don't really know shit from shit where music is concerned, either.

John - And so pass our years.

Morgan - We are alotted merely three-score and ten, and we are fated to waste them.

John - Ashes to ashes.

Morgan - Dust to dust.

Boy walks in.

Boy - The store is burning down!

Morgan - Oh, fuck! Not again!

Boy - No, fatty! OUR store!

John - Shit! My wargames!

John rushes out and is struck by a car.

Morgan - Oh no! John! Dude!

Morgan runs out and trips on John's body. His head strikes the pavement at a most unkind angle, and that is the end of him. Boy sits down at the booth and orders a patty melt. When he has finished, he drives off to the the town dump. He has some empty gas cans to dispose of.

THE END
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Here are the things I hate [12 Dec 2005|03:30pm]
1. 20th century Christmas music with the exception of Elvis Presley's recording of "Blue Christmas"
2. 1940s nostalgia, particularly 1940s Christmas nostalgia
3. Nostalgia for things that came before I was born
4. Wealthy elderly women
5. People who don't feel like doing their jobs and/or suck shit at their jobs and so they give their work to me to do
6. Having to take a royal shit but their isn't a free bathroom

Life blows! Eat shit, fuckers!
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Here is a photograph of Dagwood Bumstead "doing it" with Blondie [02 Nov 2005|07:10pm]
?????????
|----O----|
|\\\\\\\\\|
+++++++++++
-----------

"Blondie, functional spouse, prepare for anal penetration"
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[02 Nov 2005|12:21pm]
Man, Livejournal has really gone down the pipes.

That's about it.
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A Selection of Scenes [19 Oct 2005|06:04pm]
These are all word-for-word.

(overheard last night at Acme Number One)

Old Woman - (speaking to the black cop) Well, you know, in my day, they didn't let black men be officers! (she is saying this good-naturedly, mind you, not in an angry way, more of a "here's a fun fact!" type of voice)

Policeman - Heh, well...

Middle-Aged Man (presumeably the Old Woman's son) - I'm sorry. Ok, c'mon, time to go home.

Old Woman - And before there was TV, they used to tell the weatherman to wear blue, so he'd look more white on TV!

Middle-Aged Man - We'll discuss it in the car.

THE END.



(Today, at my job)

(Phone rings)

Me - Good afternoon. West Point Market.

Woman - I need the Tea Room.

Me - I'm sorry, the Catering Department, which runs the Tea Room, has closed for the day. Would you like to--

Woman - Arrghh! I need to make a reservation for tomorrow!

Me - Well, actually, the Tea Room is only available on Fridays and Saturdays, so---

Woman - I know that! I need to make sure I can call tomorrow and make a reservation for Friday!

Me - Well, Catering will be open tomorrow at--

Woman - I need to speak with someone NOW.

Me - Would you like to speak to--

(Woman hangs up)


Alas, I regret I was not able to provide that poor woman with the proper customer service. My life, it would seem, is a royal sham.
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Houseguest Shows Thru Oct. 31st [19 Oct 2005|03:29pm]
Famous band your Houseguest will play shows these times:

Wednesday, October 26th
It is a show at the Grog Shop with Milemarker (there was a rumour that they once lit their cymbals on fire. I've seen them twice, they did it neither time)
Shall we say 9:00 PM? Cost is negligible, I'm sure!

Friday, October 28th
It is BIG HALLOWE'EN SHOW at THURSDAY LOUNGE in AKRON
Featuring also THIS IS EXPLODING from CLEVELAND, and BEATEN AWAKE from KENT!
SHOW TOTALLY FREE! Come why not and bring friends!
After bands is DJ playing records maybe worth dancing to, maybe not!
Come at 9:00 PM, stay until the proverbial ???

Saturday, October 29th
It is a second BIG HALLOWE'EN SHOW at PAT'S IN THE FLATS in CLEVELAND!
Featuring also famous MACHINE GO BOOM from CLEVELAND!
Show is FREE if you wear a costume!
So come why not! If you can find it, that is! We usually have trouble! (hint - go through Tremont, NOT through the Flats! Various bridges are out!)
Show starts at 10:00, more than likely! Wear disguise, get in FREE!

PLEASE COME TO ALL OUR SHOWS!
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Kenmore Komics Fanfiction [12 Oct 2005|06:14pm]
(A cool autumn evening on Kenmore Boulevard)

Boy - Where do you want to go for dinner?

John - You know where I want to go?

Boy - Uh...

John - I want to go to a place where the comics are all bagged and priced, the new RPGs are catalogued, and the new comics are taken out of the boxes and put on the shelves.

Boy - Mm-hmm...

John - The happy place. And, ideally, we'd get to that place before eight.

Boy - Alright...

(A customer walks in. He is portly, bespectacled, and moustachioed, roughly 40-50 years in age. His breathing sounds like a freight train)

Customer - Do you buy comics?

John - From you? I doubt it. (snickers)

Customer - Because, you see, I have quite a few old comics and I am under the impression that they are worth quite a bit.

John - Well, I'll take a look at them, but...

Customer - Let me get the box. It's in my car.

Boy - (mumbling)

John - What?

Boy - (sighs) What is this?

John - Weird War Tales!

Boy - Yeah, I know, but look at the--

John - You know where it goes! Put it there!

(Customer returns, bearing a moldy box filled with what seems to be garbage)

Customer - Now, see, here is "Amazing Fantasy 15," which you must know is the first appearance of--

John - That says "Amazing PHantasy, not Fantasy, and it's number 1.5, not 15. I have no clue where you even got that, or what it is.

Customer - Do you think you would be interested?

John - most of these are falling apart, and a lot of them are not even in English. Look, if I can't sell them, I won't buy them, and I can't sell these to ANYONE.

(the two argue for twenty minutes until the customer leaves. On the way out, he tips and spills his comics)

Boy - (snickers)

John - (snickers)

New Customer - Someone told me you have dice that roll themselves?

John - WHATEVER WE HAVE IS RIGHT THERE IN THE BINS!

Boy - You want Chinese, maybe?
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[23 Sep 2005|01:56am]
So, I just watched "His Girl Friday," which I haven't seen in probably ten years. I know the last time I saw it it made perfect sense to me, but I realize now that it is one of the strangest movies I've ever seen.

The plot is unbelievably complicated, the ending is abrupt and awkward, and one of the plotlines centers around a man who is about to be hanged for a crime he didn't commit. The problem I have with this is that the movie was made in 1940, and takes place in New York. Was hanging still an accepted punishment in the 40s? The electric chair had been in use for at least twenty-some years in 1940, so why would they set up a gallows in the middle of Times Square? That's pretty peculiar for the home state of the architect of the New Deal, isn't it? Not very forward-thinking?

They also never make any mention of a trial, and, in fact, it seems as though the alleged murder that this man is about to die for took place less than a week earlier, as he is still being held in the county jail across the street from the newspaper office where most of the film takes place. As far as I can remember from civics class in eighth grade, American citizens have a Constitutional right to a trial before they get hanged. And the sheriff at one point starts handing out tickets to the hanging, and says something to the effect of "this is going to be such a great hanging" or something. It's like it's a western. I don't get it.

And it's supposedly a romantic comedy, directed by Howard Hawks, but it really isn't very funny. It's actually kind of depressing, and it all takes place at night, and it's all dark and weird looking.

What a fucking strange movie!

Why did I write all of this?
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[20 Sep 2005|06:21pm]
My mother may be the only person that one actually should NOT apologize to, as it stirs her to even greater anger. Her temper sort of feeds back, meaning if she expresses anger, that very expression of anger makes her angry, because she gets mad at herself for getting angry, and then gets angry at the person she was originally angry with again for making her have to get angry. Then she realizes how dumb that is, and this makes her ANGRY!

Oh, so, then, you apologize. And it just reminds her of every time she's EVER been angry, and she gets angry about that. At you. Basically, if you accidentally say a single word to her with even the slightest hint of sarcasm, she will be angry for the rest of the night about how one time when you were eleven you didn't thank her for driving you to Kenmore Komics.
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[06 Sep 2005|01:42am]
It's a terrible world to have to grow up in!
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God, I hate the funnypapers [30 Aug 2005|04:29pm]
Did anyone see the weird Crankshaft/Wolverine crossover today in the funnypapers?
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[29 Aug 2005|06:59pm]
I think I'm going to pursue a career in audio book narration. Apparently, it's not hard to get into, because such projects involve significant time commitments (most audio book narrators only have time for two to three projects a year) and the actual hours are long and boring. There are only a handful of career narrators working in each genre.

I wish to become the Trevor Derryman of the sci-fi/fantasy audio book world.
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[29 Aug 2005|02:53pm]
Here go a new article about Houseguest (aka Horse Quest, Homestead, Good Neighbor, Houseguest II) in the famous University of Akron newspaper.

http://www.buchtelite.com/2005/0829/arts_06.shtml
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RIP [08 Aug 2005|06:02pm]
Let us all mourn the passing of Peter Jennings, the world's most handsome man.
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Houseguest @ Pat's in the Flats [30 Jul 2005|03:38pm]
Houseguest
Amazed by Lightbulbs
eight other bands, probably

show starts: too late
show costs: who knows
other bands: probably stupid

please come?

if you can find the place, that is.



whatta life...
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